


too many legs.

by winonasawyer



Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Coven
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, Fluff and Crack, Giant Spiders, Horror, I Don't Even Know, Inspired by Real Events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:13:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29250519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winonasawyer/pseuds/winonasawyer
Summary: there’s a monster in the coven. the witches panic accordingly.or, when a spider gets in my room and it reminds me of a traumatic experience.
Relationships: Cordelia Foxx | Cordelia Goode & Madison Montgomery, Misty Day/Cordelia Foxx | Cordelia Goode
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	too many legs.

**Author's Note:**

> hey! this story is literally stupid as fuck so don’t read if you want to see angst/smut. also, this was inspired by when a tarantula got into my dorm; and my roommates acted like a bunch of idiots. 
> 
> i really hate spiders, so don’t take offense by this story bc i shame tf out of them.

-

there is a monster in the coven. it’s smaller than the antichrist or the minotaur; but its presence looms large- even towards the supreme, who was glaring down at the damned creature with shaking hands. 

“oh, hey cordy,” madison begins, walking into the kitchen with a smirk on her face, “finally pulled yourself away from that country-hick whore, huh? what’s up?”

the supreme blinked, but she didn’t pull her eyes from the eight-legged demon on the floor; it’s red eyes baring into her soul. for a moment, cordelia actually wished to be blinded once again; if only so she would have the fortune of not seeing the large spider on the white tiles. (and oh god, was it growing?)

madison frowned when she noticed her supreme’s silence, and let her eyes trail down to what was the object of the older woman’s attention. her eyes widened, and she felt her heart drop to her ass when she caught sight of the black, ugly, too big arachnid; it’s legs seeming to elongate as she stared on at it. “oh hell no,” she gasped, feeling her mouth get all dry- like the air had been sucked from her chest. “what the fuck is that thing?!”

“hush, madison! you’ll scare it and- FUCK!!”

the spider had moved. it couldn’t have been more than an inch, but to the two women- it might as well have been straight in their faces. cordelia broke out into a startled scream, while madison started scrambling away- taking refuge on the kitchen island. they were breathing heavily; their eyes trained on the hellish thing, and they dreaded any movement that could come from it. 

after a moment; they still had not dropped their tense forms, but they allowed themselves to glance at the other woman. cordelia’s hair was messy, her under eyes black and puffy; and madison wondered just how long the blonde had been here- carefully watching the spider with bated breaths. the older woman sighed, bringing a hand up to massage her temples. 

“we need to get rid of this damn thing. i don’t want the girls to get scared.”

madison huffed, still managing to find humor in the situation despite the beast still on the ground below her and the fear in her heart. “aren’t you the fucking supreme? why don’t you just kill it?”

cordelia’s eyes snapped open, and she glared at madison with blazing brown irises. (if her eyes weren’t so tired, madison would actually find the sight the slightest bit terrifying. who knew cordelia goode could be scary?) 

“i can't just kill it! misty would have my head if i killed one of nature’s creatures, no matter how sickening they are.”

the former actress rolled her eyes. god, her supreme could be so pathetic sometimes. (of course, she wouldn’t say that to her face. despite everything, she quite enjoyed living at miss robichaux’s- and cordelia’s company could be nice at times. still though, the way her supreme was so whipped around misty day was embarrassing, and she wouldn’t hesitate to tell her that.)

“what are you, misty’s lap dog? you’re the fucking supreme, you don’t need permission to kill!”

“i am aware of my status in this coven, madison, that does not mean that i can just go all murder crazy! and i don’t know where you got that idea, but i am not misty’s lap dog!”

just as madison was about to speak out a rebuttal; the hellborn creature moved again- sending the two witches into a fit of terrified screams. madison narrowly missed falling off the island; her eyes wide and panicked. cordelia clutched her shirt; her heart beating rapidly and her ears ringing. the two of them had laser-like focus on the monstrous beast, and they could almost feel their blood freezing in their veins. the spider seemed to be taunting them, only moving when they calmed and angling itself like it was ready to pounce.

needless to say, cordelia and madison were feeling incredibly frightened and foolish. they both had dealt with demons before (both literal and figurative) but this? this creature was an evil so strong that it made the two strong women tremble in their skin. 

“fuck this, we need to get rid of this bitch, and now.”

“well i don’t see you rushing to take it outside, now do i?”

a glare, weakened by the terror in her eyes. “fuck off, cordelia. you’re the one that passed the seven wonders, why don’t you kill it?”

“i already told you-“

“oh, right. i forgot that you’re misty’s pet-“

“i am not misty’s pet, for fucks sake! i am still your supreme, mind you, you don’t get to talk to me like that.”

“no offense, miss supreme, but i’m more afraid of that little demon on the floor than anything you could pull. besides, you love me.”

“not right now i don’t, you little shit.”

“yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. i know you cried when i died.”

“which time? i didn’t cry for any of them.”

“oh, you whore- SHIT! IT MOVED AGAIN!”

the spider had indeed moved again. this time, it stretched its too long legs out, before moving a little to the right so that it stood before the sink. cordelia was half positive she would’ve passed out on the spot had the fear of the spider getting on her in her sleep not been there. madison was no better, her skin a pale white and her breaths heavy. she contemplated praying for help, but decided against it. no god could defeat this abomination; it would be insane to even try. still, though, it wouldn’t do to just have this hellish creation reign free, bringing terror with every second it existed. 

“this isn’t gonna work. we need to do something, and i refuse to stay here for the rest of my life.”

cordelia nodded, but it was jerky and uncertain; like any movement would attract the spider over to her. she looked nothing like the fierce supreme she was, now suddenly she was reminded of the feeble woman she used to be not so many years ago. “yes, you’re right, but i’m not doing it. do you think zoe can get rid of the..problem?”

madison raised a dark eyebrow, subtly adjusting her stance so she was a bit further away from the arachnid. “have you met zoe? she loves gross shit like this.”

“this isn’t just gross, it’s down right horrendous.”

“still, i bet she could help us. i’ll call her and you can stay here, make sure the bitch doesn’t like, give birth or something.”

the supreme blinked, madison’s words not absorbing for a second. when they did though, her eyes widened and she gaped at the blonde who was slowly making her way down the island. “what?!” she squeaked, feeling her knees shake and her palms sweat. “what do you mean, ‘stay here’?! i’m not about to stay here and get killed by this damn spider!”

“well i’m not staying! someone needs to watch it, and why shouldn’t it be the big and powerful supreme?”

“because this is cruel!”

“tough shit! look, i’ll be back in a flash, and zoe will take care of it, okay?”

“..just know that if you don’t, you will be on cleaning duty for a month.”

“..fine.”

madison scrambles away to go find zoe, and cordelia- still trembling in fear- sits and waits and hopes the spider doesn’t decide to come closer.

-x-

zoe is reading a book on her bed when madison bursts into the room; all red-faced and panting. her book drops to the ground, but zoe doesn’t pay it any mind. 

“madison? geez, what happened?” her hands came up to the older girl’s shoulders; trying to calm the very clearly stressed girl down. she wasn’t sure if it was working; but madison finally answered her question after a few seconds of catching her breath. 

“i need you to help me. right fucking now.” 

the younger girl was confused, and it showed on her face. madison huffed, grabbing her hand and dragged zoe out of the room. she didn’t have time to explain; not that she would even want to. (the longer she spent upstairs meant the longer cordelia had to watch the cursed thing, and madison wouldn't wish that shit on her worst enemy.) 

“madison! what the hell? slow down and tell me what the fuck is going on!”

“i can't explain, dammit! i just need your help, okay? please, zoe.”

zoe paused, the vulnerability of the former actress almost startling. before she could think against it; she nodded, and madison pulled her towards the kitchen. (later, she would regret ever agreeing to help the blonde. damn her empathetic heart for feeling the need to help everyone who showed a little bit of misery.) 

“okay, before we go in there, i need you to promise not to freak out.”

(what.)

the brunette scowled at madison’s words, feeling as if she had just walked into something very, very bad. still, she tried to give madison the benefit of the doubt. maybe, there was another chopped up boy in the kitchen, and she needed her to sew him back up again. that was fine, she thought to herself, she liked sewing and had learned quite a bit from when she first patched kyle up. despite her optimism, she couldn’t help the sarcastic tone when she responded to the ex-hollywood star. 

“that sounds pretty fucking ominous, maddie.”

madison would’ve frowned, but her blood was running hot in her chest and she was dreading having to return to the (practically infected) kitchen. zoe noticed her strange silence and that nervous feeling reared its head once more. (if there was one thing madison montgomery couldn’t do- it was be quiet. the girl had a motor mouth; and wouldn’t hesitate to speak her mind.)

“madison?”

like she was pulled from a trance; madison blinked quickly, her eyes shifting back into focus. she seemed to be relaxed, but then she looked back towards the kitchen- and zoe watched as her back stiffened and her clenched fists shook. 

“yeah, okay. i really need you to not freak out and do this for me, got it? think of it as, fuck i don’t know, a good deed that you can put in your college essay. i don’t care, but please- promise you won’t go all chicken on me?”

zoe wants to say no; to tell madison to fuck off and leave her to her book- but she’s curious now and actually wants to see what’s behind the kitchen wall. (curiosity killed the cat. who would’ve known that that would also apply to brunette teenage witches?)

“okay,” she says instead. madison glances at her, before sighing at walking towards the kitchen. 

“let’s just hope your weird bitch shit can fix this.”

zoe doesn’t have any time to decipher what in the fuck that could possibly mean before she’s in the kitchen; greeeted with her supreme’s anxious face and feeling even more confused. “hey, cordelia,” she says, hoping the older witch will offer an explanation. she doesn’t; her eyes staring down at something on the ground. 

zoe’s brows pinched in confusion, and she slowly stepped closer to the blonde woman. “cordelia? are you oka-“

her voice was stolen from her chest as a spider; large and hairy and fucking awful, crawled into her vision. something is rising in her chest; and zoe dimly recognizes it as one thing: fear. 

“yeah, no.” the spider is very huge and very scary and zoe is having none of it. she backs out the door. 

“wait!” that’s madison, and she skids when her socks rub against the tiles. “zoe!”

“madison? zoe?! the spider is fucking moving! what are you doing?” cordelia screeches. 

“cmon, zoe! i’ll owe you one!” madison sounds genuinely desperate; and for a moment, guilt almost sways her. then she thinks of the spider…  
it’s gross ass legs…it’s beady little eyes. and nope, she’s out of here. “please, benson. cordelia will make me go on cleaning duty if i can’t get this fucking spider out of here!”

she gets to the staircase, turns on her heel to face the girl, and shakes her head. “no fucking way. i’m sorry, but there is no way i’m touching that. you should get someone else. queenie, maybe?” and with that, she’s gone. 

“madison, i swear to god…” cordelia’s voice comes from the kitchen, strained and deadly. 

zoe’s door slams shut and madison can feel a headache brewing under her skull. “shut up! fuck, i’ll get someone else, okay?!”

“you better! actually, you know what? get back here, i’ll do it!”

madison sighs. fuck her life.

-x-

queenie gets cordelia’s text, and five minutes later she’s walking downstairs. ‘Q, I NEED YOUR HELP. COME OVER NOW!!’ sounded pretty serious, and her reruns of ‘everybody hates chris’ weren’t going anywhere.

she’s looking at her phone when she heads to the kitchen, so when she comes face to face with madison- she’s a little bit spooked. “oh, hey, cracker bitch.” automatically, she crosses her arms over her chest; defensive and not in the mood to hear madison’s bitching. “where’s dee? she said she needed my help or some shit.”

“we do, actually.” disdainful, but almost passively; like all of her bitchiness has been sucked dry and she’s trying to replicate it. (queenie did not expect that coming. huh) “we’ve got a problem in the kitchen.”

her blonde hair flips in queenie’s face when she turns, and she starts walking; obviously expecting the other to follow. queenie almost chuckles; there’s the asshole she’s used to. “you know i can’t help y’all with the plumbing or shit like that, right? and y’all bitches don’t like the food i make.”

“god, do you ever stop thinking about food? no, that’s not what we need you for. cordelia thought you could help because you have tough skin, i guess.”

“the fuck does that mean?” madison’s face is almost comically upset, and queenie is starting to wonder what could possibly be so urgent that it made her like this. she can’t even see cordelia yet, and she’s itching to see what the problem is. 

“come in, queenie.” the supreme’s wavering voice says to her from around the corner. and then, to madison, “took you long enough. that thing could’ve killed me.”

(what the hell?)

queenie steps into the kitchen, and sees nothing (except for cordelia huddled on one of the bar chairs, her knees hugged to her chest- but she’s not really sure that counts) until she meets cordelia’s stare. then she sees it. 

the monstrosity. 

and it’s just sitting there. hideous and a mess of eyes and legs; all overlapping. it’s horrifying, and queenie feels sick as she looks at its eyes. (too much of everything. nothing should have that many eyes, damnit.)

queenie’s throat seizes in terror, and she can’t breathe. she’s never told anyone this; but she’s deadly scared of spiders. when she was young; her dad put a fake spider in her bed for april fool’s day as a harmless little joke, just for shits and giggles. she pulled back the covers to go to bed; only to be greeted with a large spider, smack dead in the middle of the bed. needless to say; she passed out and hit her head on the floor, blood spreading around her like ink. her dad found her; and took her to the hospital, yelling at her the whole way for being so dramatic. she didn’t sleep in her bed for a week, and her fear of spiders stayed with her even as she got older. 

(she wants to scream that she’s not qualified for this shit- that they should call an exterminator- but her pride is too big and she refuses to let madison fucking montgomery know she’s afraid of spiders.)

“damn,” she manages to get out from the cotton in her throat. “this is what you needed my help with?”

“yes, go get a glass please. if you could take it outside that would be great!” cordelia seems so relieved; like if queenie does this for her she will finally be able to relax for the first time. (queenie bites down the urge to tell the supreme to fuck off and do it herself. doing that would not help her case in the slightest.) 

“sure, okay. madison can you get a sheet of paper i can use?” there's no way she’s getting out of this. in her head, she sighs and says a mental goodbye to her tv show and her snacks. she can’t take the risk of madison figuring out her fear, so she stands tall and tries not to rip out her eyes at the thought of picking up the spider. (god, she better get something out of this.)

with that thought; she takes a glass and a page torn from a magazine madison offers to her (it’s one of hers, because of course it is) and approaches the demon with false bravado. 

it doesn’t move, but it seems to be plotting. somehow, that is almost a hundred times worse than if it was scuttling all over the place. she reminds herself of her powerful witch status, of the power running rampant in her being. (she wondered if she could voodoo doll her way out of this nonsense, but immediately shakes off the thought. imagining the spider beheaded or without limbs sent vomit crawling up her throat, and she did not want to throw up over herself like a damn baby.) instead she focuses on lining up the cup to the spider- poised and ready. 

and then, with a shockingly steady hand, she lowers the glass. 

BAM! 

she’s done it. the spider is trapped under the glass, and all she has to do is slide the paper under it and throw it the fuck out of the house. (but fuck, the spider looks so much bigger under the glass- it’s eyes magnified to double the size.)

queenie can’t do this shit anymore. 

flinching, she straightens up and turns to face cordelia and madison with a (fake) smile. 

“well, there you go. i’m leaving now.”

madison moves closer, crossing her arms and propping her hip as cordelia creodown from her seat. “thank you, queenie. do you mind taking it outside?”

“nah, i’ll let y’all white bitches handle that.” she steps toward the exit, and puts on a bored face. “i got a tv show to finish-“

“um, no you don’t.” madison slides in front of her, preventing queenie from any hope of escape. “i’ve been busting my ass trying to find someone to get rid of this spider; the least you could do is take it outside.”

“i did way more than your scrawny ass did, now move.” she glares pointedly at her supreme, eyes screaming harshly: ‘get this bitch before i do. and trust me, you don’t want me to get her.’ “call someone else if it’s such a big deal.”

cordelia walks between the two before things could get nasty, each hand on one of their shoulders. “ladies! stop fighting! queenie, thank you for that, and i’m sure we could figure something out without your help.”

“yeah, whatever. text me with that shit is gone.”

cordelia gave her a half hearted glare, while madison flipped her off as she walked away. before she could leave completely, she called to them from over her shoulder. 

“i wouldn’t ask any of the younger girls if i were you. they’re all a bunch of wusses.”

the supreme stared after her before sighing into her palms. madison quirked an eyebrow at her, fingers messing with her hair. 

“so does that mean i’m still on cleaning duty?”

a huff. “be quiet, madison. there are still two people we haven’t tried, unless you suddenly decided to just get rid of it like i asked.”

“nope, i’m good.”

-x-

kyle comes to the kitchen at madison’s request for two reasons, well, three if you count his need to sneak a few marshmallows from the cabinet for a little snack. one; he’s curious. two, miss cordelia is there too, and he thinks the supreme wouldn’t be there unless something really bad was happening. so he’s there, alone. 

“what’s wrong, madison?”, he asks when said girl stops him before he can walk into the kitchen. she’s pale like snow, and he’s pretty sure he’s never seen her like this before, it sends a shiver down his spine, especially when she doesn’t take the opportunity to try and kiss him. (well he’s not too upset about that last one, but still, it’s the principle that counts.)

“you are the third damn person i’ve brought here, please.. tell me that you can get rid of the spid-“

anything she was going to say was cut off by a loud, wrenching scream from deeper in the kitchen. kyle’s ears perk up (why was miss cordelia screaming?) and he pushes madison aside to rush in there. the blonde girl tries to tell him to calm down, to try and explain, but kyle doesn’t even hear her. (he’s the coven guard dog, he can’t just let the supreme be in trouble like that.) 

“miss cordelia? what- oh shit.” he sees now why madison was so insistent that he come over and help, but this was definitely not for something innocent. “that is a big fucking spider.”

“yeah we know that, dumbass.” madison hisses, blanching when she takes note of the horrific thing. “it’s been there all fucking morning and cordelia won’t get off of my ass until it’s gone.”

“huh? why, did you bring it here?” he’s honestly confused as to why the monster is even here; and why madison of all people was choosing to help cordelia with this problem. madison rolled her eyes like he had just asked the most stupid question of all time. (he probably had.)

“now why the hell would i bring that fucking demon here?!” she spits, looking two seconds away from choking him out in anger. (it would be revenge, he thinks, for the time he killed her. still though, he likes his life and didn't want to die- not anymore.) 

“uh, i don’t know, maybe as a joke?” once again all he receives is an eye roll. (he can practically feel her calling him a fucking idiot, and it’s not exactly the best feeling.)

“you truly are a dumbass boy. i would never do that, because that would mean that i had to touch the fucking thing! what is not clicking?!”

(ouch.)

“hey, you two- STOP ARGUING AND GET RID OF THIS DAMN SPIDER!”

kyle’s brow furrows at that last bit. “oh yeah, sorry miss cordelia. i’m not going near that.”

“can't you just throw your shoe at it?! please, just kill it somehow.” cordelia’s voice is getting desperate now, her legs cramping from the continuous strain of bending them- trying to curl away from the hellish spawn before her. 

“no,” he says resolute. (he might be a guard dog, but this shit is crossing the line.) “i don’t even wanna be here when you take the glass off.”

behind him, madison coughs, “fucking great.”

cordelia let’s put a loud sigh, her head falling back in frustration. “is this how we are defeated?” her gaze shifted to kyle- slightly miffed but still warm, and then to madison- pure fire in her eyes. “the greatest coven slain by a damn spider, and neither of us are strong enough to take it outside? god, we’re all pathetic.”

the spider is safely under a glass, so they find themselves thrown over various pieces of furniture in defeat. one of the three hasn’t eaten since yesterday, and the other two are forced to deal with the consequences.

cordelia is curled on the couch, tears bubbling in her eyes. madison sits slouched on the arm of one of the chairs; fingers burning for a cigarette and disappointment coming off her in waves. kyle is dramatically sprawled out on the floor- feeling as if he’s failed the women around him. 

“i miss food,” it’s only been twenty four hours since the supreme last ate, but she could feel the madness and hunger clawing at her mind. 

“i miss when my supreme wasn’t such a whiny bitch.”

“shut the fuck up, madison.”

it’s pitiful, really. there are over a hundred witches in this coven; all of them gifted with powers so grand that the warlocks view them with envy. in their veins, power mixes with blood. they should’ve been able to handle a single ducking spider, but alas, all of them were too chicken to just slide a piece of paper under the thing and set it outside. 

“you know,” kyle says, shattering the prolonged silence that had brewed, “we didn’t try all of the witches..”

the two women looked at each other, and then back at kyle.

-x-

misty day was both surprised and confused when she walked into miss robichaux’s to see cordelia, madison, and kyle grouped together in some pathetic gathering at the front room. she assumed the others were upstairs- but she had no clue why in the hell the three were here; looking completely destroyed. 

“uh hey, y’all..?” 

she’s met with a chorus of glum “hey, misty”, only cordelia’s slightly more enthused. the rest were dull and monotonous and not helping her confusion at all.

“what’s goin’ on?” she drops her bag by the door and waits for someone to answer her. 

this time, they just get straight to it. this bullshit spider is causing all of them hell, and if misty doesn’t deal with it; cordelia has plans to set the house on fire. 

“there’s a spider in the kitchen and none of us are willing to touch it.” cordelia sighs, feeling a migraine building behind her eyes. 

“oh, okay. i’ll take care of it.” and she disappears into the kitchen without a fuss; even seeming happy about it.

“wait, what?” shock makes cordelia jump up on her heels, scrambling to see what misty would do. madison follows with wide eyes, and kyle follows madison with hesitant steps. 

sure enough, misty had slipped the page from the magazine that lay discarded from before; sliding it quickly under the glass. without even flinching, she lifts the glass and paper, walking over to the window and gesturing for cordelia to open it for her. and she’s cooing at the monster like it’s the cutest damn thing she’s ever seen. 

they’ve spent hours trying to gather the strength to get rid of the abomination; and misty comes in with all of her ‘who’s a pretty araignée’ and ‘you’re a pretty araignée’ words. 

(she’s speaking french to the thing. what the fuck.)

the spider crawls out the window and misty turns back to three of them with an empty glass. all of them are gaping at her, but misty just stood humble and awkward. 

“here ya go,” she says with a smile- offering the glass to cordelia. 

the supreme grimaces; pushing the offending object away. there were not enough spells or washing liquids in the world to make her drink from that glass again, and she was fine with that. 

-x-

cordelia orders pizza that night for the coven, despite the spiderless kitchen. she’s tired and she’s hungry and the idea of making food is too much of an effort. (besides, everyone likes pizza.) 

misty’s arm is wrapped around cordelia and she whispers her thanks for the pizza in the crook of her neck. the supreme flushes red, and madison gives her pointed glance. (fucking lesbians.)

“i want to thank you again for getting rid of the spider, misty.”

misty laughs; loud and unabashed, but her cheeks shine pink. “it ain’t a big deal, delia. just a tiny lil’ bug.”

“that demon was not small.” 

“is little miss supreme scared of spiders?”

“i am not afraid of spiders, i just prefer not to interact with them.”

“that just sounds like a longass way to say you’re nothing but a scaredy-cat.”

“hush, misty.”

needless to say, the next time there’s a spider- misty is the first person cordelia goes to. (and misty doesn’t mind one bit.)

-

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment or kudos if you liked this!!


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